Oh, Please! Your Lover Isn't a Train

Call it an occupational hazard or whatever — I couldn't stop overhearing a conversation at an adjacent table in a coffee shop. A group was consoling someone who was clearly going through a break-up. One of the friends said, "Bro, get over it! A lover is like a train; when one leaves, the other arrives." For excellent reasons, the heartbroken human didn't react to it. I wanted to interject and declare that lovers aren't like trains. When one leaves, the other doesn't arrive immediately, okay? So, don't wait on that platform with that forlorn expression. I also wanted to say that only one train passes through some railway stations, and they go on for weeks, without trains. Or look at the pandemic, for instance — trains weren't running. Listen, I could have told him all this and bust that fleeting moment of joy, but what's the fun in that? Besides, the kid would have hated me. Also, I would have been an intruder, albeit a harmless one, unlike Joe Goldberg.


Now, let's get back to my point of concern — what is it with comparing lovers with trains and buses? But if not moving objects, what are lovers? Are they passengers? Are we passengers too? By that logic, isn't every human being a passenger? Are these passengers carrying fruit or dhokla in their bags? As a passenger, how would you know which passenger is your next lover? As a passenger, would you randomly walk into a railway station, sit on a bench, wait for a train to arrive, and decide which passenger to love? What's the deal here? I did want to ask that dude, who was suggesting the heartbroken one wait for his next train, what his process was! But, that would have been intrusive, no?

I didn't interrupt my thought flow, folks. To be candid, I put my work and meetings aside to decipher what this whole train thing meant. When my coffee arrived, it broke my thoughts, and I looked at my chatty neighbours. They were nowhere to be found, and I assumed they went home. Instead of going home myself, I made a list of things you shouldn't compare your lovers, former lovers, future lovers, or even imaginary lovers with.

Things You Shouldn't Compare Your Lovers With


Your Lover isn't a Turtle-Dove: That person might be your BAE or something else, but a Turtle-Dove? Come on; you can do better than picking a rather shy bird seen in China and the Himalayas. It's a rare migratory bird too — so, pray, tell me, how is your significant other a Turtle-Dove?

Your Lover isn't the Apple of Your Eye: Our pupils are the apple of our eyes. Just wondering, what if we are short-sighted? Makes you think!

Your Lover isn't Your Favourite Hello: Isn't McDonald's or a pizzeria your favourite hello? Let's not confuse joyous emotions with love.

Your Lover isn't a Broken Pencil: That not-so-famous internet quote compares loved ones with broken pencils because life without them is pointless. Folks, I don't want you to think I'm a doubting Thomas — I do love puns. I really do, but this one is too far-fetched.


Your Lover isn't McDreamy: Let us not even get there!

Your Lover isn't Captain Hottie Pants: Just call them by their name, alright? I'm sure it'll be shorter than this.

Your Lover isn't Like a Dream Boat: According to Parade, it's apparently a highly popular nickname you could give to a good looking person. Well, if you want to be highly unpopular in your circle, by all means, compare them to a dream boat.

Well, that's it, guys.

I know I've crossed over to the dark side and to a point where I've googled 'cute nicknames for lovers'. A special shoutout to Parade and Southern Living for acing their SEO game, but did you know that people compare or call their loved ones as Boogie Bear, Dulce de Leche (how are they even pronouncing this?), Spice Guy, Num Numbs, Potato Cakes, Sugar Snap Pea, Pooh Bear, Tater Tot, Mister Man, and Hunk-A-Lunk? I shall admit — I'm amazed. But, hey, this is a judgment-free zone; so, hunk-a-lunk all you want. That sounded horrible, yuck! I'm going to leave now before I say worse things. Bye.